Since 2013, I have written what is arguably the most popular section of the Flathead Beacon: The police blotter.
The blotter is a rundown of the some of the weird and bizarre crimes reported every day in Northwest Montana. It’s even earned the paper national attention from late night television shows and the New York Times (specifically the NYT Cooking newsletter… which still counts).
4:50 p.m. A Kalispell woman called to report that the kitten she saved from the cold a few days ago had turned against her family and bit her child.
12:42 p.m. A Kalispell man called police because his “soon-to-be ex-wife” was slandering his good name on Facebook.
9:52 p.m. A Kalispell resident complained that a big dog was eating all of the food in his front yard. The food is supposed to be for local raccoons.
8:33 p.m. A Whitefish resident called to report that while he was at work, his landlord fixed his door that day and apparently stole some change in the process. But the bigger problem was that the bathroom door inside the apartment was shut and locked. The caller said he was concerned that someone was in the bathroom, even though he couldn’t hear anyone in there. Despite the lack of evidence, the caller was ready to “take them down” utilizing a can of pepper spray and a saw. The caller was advised to leave the house and let police take care of the issue. The man then waited outside, still wielding the pepper spray and saw, for police who checked the apartment and found no one inside.
7:53 p.m. A man with his own puke bucket showed up and made a scene.
8:36 p.m. The man with a bucket moved on to another location and started yelling at people before standing in the middle of the road.
1:10 a.m. A Kalispell woman called to say that a dog walked into her house. She doesn’t know where it came from and doesn’t want it to stay. When asked what type of dog it was, she said it looked like a Chihuahua but could be a Husky.
3:14 p.m. A 4-year-old from Lakeside called up 911 and chatted up the dispatcher for a few minutes. The “talkative” toddler said that his mom recently pulled a baby out of her belly and that his dad was planning on showing him an excavator soon. He also said that his dad was about to “puke.” After a few minutes, the young lad put his dad on the line. The father said everything was fine and that he wasn’t puking.
6:41 p.m. A man who had violated his probation tried to turn himself in at the local Subway.
5:22 p.m. A local woman called police because she just came back from an out-of-town trip and discovered that her husband changed the locks on their house. She said it was odd because she thought everything was fine in their relationship.
8:01 a.m. A Kalispell resident called police demanding that they “put down the doughnuts” and get to work.
12:48 p.m. A Kalispell man called the cops because someone abandoned a few rabbits on his property and they have since gone on a breeding frenzy.
11:32 a.m. A weird guy at a Kalispell casino wouldn’t stop talking about dinosaurs.
1:08 p.m. A Bigfork man keeps calling the sheriff’s office and telling them to “come and get him,” but no one is sure why they’d want to come and get him.
2:23 p.m. An argument between a father and son escalated near Bigfork when the son allegedly tried to run his dad over with a vehicle. The father apparently jumped out the way and then somehow got on the roof of the vehicle while the son drove down the road.
1:11 a.m. A Hungry Horse man was shooting fireworks at nearby sheriff’s deputies. In response, they tazed him.
11:49 a.m. A Bigfork man who frequently rides his horse into town called police because someone had complained to him about his animal defecating in the middle of the street. Law enforcement told the man that it’s “common sense” to pick up after his horse if it “does its business” in front of someone else’s business.
11:40 p.m. A Coram resident reported that someone had left a “bag of hornets” at their house. The caller believed that it was a deliberate attack on his family. A deputy assured him that it probably wasn’t a crime, just a weird thing to leave at someone’s house.
2:23 a.m. A man called 911 to report that he was drunk and lost in the woods.
10:36 a.m. A dog named Raymond has been barking for at least a week in a Kalispell neighborhood. Based on the number of complaints, it’s clear that everybody does not love Raymond.
8:39 a.m. A Whitefish resident called 911 to report a deer with a broken leg on his lawn. The man wanted to see if anyone could pick up the deer and take care of it. The dispatcher told the caller that the only options were to “let nature takes it course” or to have someone come by and finish it off. The caller wasn’t a fan of either option because it appeared the deer could go on to live a full and satisfying life if someone just put a cast on its broken leg.
10:45 a.m. A Canadian called the sheriff’s office and asked, “What the heck is going on down there?” It’s unclear if anyone had an answer to that question.
12:45 p.m. A bear was in a ditch after being struck by a car on Swan Mountain Drive. A few minutes later, a caller reported that the bear was now sitting up in the ditch and might have finally caught its breath.
11:43 a.m. A Kalispell man got into a fight over money with his brother. The brother allegedly assaulted the man who in turn made a “citizens arrest” by tying up his brother with duct tape.
11:08 a.m. A local bakery owner reported that one of his employees has been stealing dough.
3:45 p.m. A drunk guy was driving through Bigfork with knives duct-taped to a baseball bat.
12:35 p.m. A chicken was wandering around a local parking lot and a crowd of spectators was gathering to see what it would do next.
3:53 p.m. A Florida man called Flathead County authorities because he received an enormous electrical bill for his cabin in Whitefish. He believed someone was illegally living in the cabin and wanted the cops to check it out. Law enforcement went to the man’s property but couldn’t find a cabin. The Florida man said he’d deal with it in the spring.
8:46 a.m. A Kalispell man called 911 to give law enforcement a “heads up” about “upcoming drama” with his ex-girlfriend. At the center of the drama was a canceled vacation to Hawaii.
3:14 p.m. A Kalispell father could not get his kids to come out of their bedroom so he took a can of bear spray and fired it under the door to smoke them out. The man had reportedly been drinking.
2:30 p.m. A Kalispell resident was worried about her neighbor’s pig named Pig. Apparently, Pig has not left his little pig house in a number of days.
12:33 p.m. A Somers woman was angry that her roommate was loudly eating soup in the middle of the night, so she walked over to him and dumped soap in the man’s soup. The man threw his bowl of soapy soup at the woman. Law enforcement responded to the scene, but both people decided not to press charges against the other, admitting that things may had gotten out of hand.
2:33 a.m. A Kalispell man heard a commotion outside his home involving a number of ducks and geese. When he emerged to see what was happening he found a mountain lion on his roof. He quickly returned to the safety of his home and called 911.
11:27 p.m. Two people sustained minor injuries during a fight over the 1989 Walt Disney Pictures classic “The Little Mermaid.”
2:56 p.m. A Kalispell woman reported that a “disheveled” couple was standing in front of her house with a bucket and a sponge. The woman saw the man point at her cat and tell the woman next to him, “Hey hon, there’s a cat. You want a cat?” The caller said she then promptly went outside to get her cat and when she did the pair asked if they could wash her windows.
12:56 a.m. A Kalispell woman reported that she was “scared to death that she would be attacked by the invisible aliens.” The dispatcher asked if the woman was under the influence of any drugs or alcohol and she said that she was not. However, later in the conversation she mentioned that she had just done meth.
6:29 p.m.A Kalispell woman reported that her friend was drunk and “getting out of hand.” In the middle of the call, the reporting party screamed at the drunk friend, “Look, I don’t want them to arrest you. I just want them to take you away from me.”
10:25 a.m. A Columbia Falls man was innocently lying naked on his couch when his “nosy neighbor” walked into his house.